A CONVERSATION THAT NEVER ENDS

When I pay attention, I notice that each day seems to have a certain message, a theme that is woven into its fabric and becomes visible to me when I look for it. When I keep my eyes open, I notice the signs offered to me by my surroundings. There are clues hidden everywhere. And when I remember to listen, each day seems to have something to tell me. 

Yesterday I woke up feeling heavy at heart.

My thoughts were running in all kinds of directions and my mind was cluttered with worries. I was restless and frustrated, feeling like I needed to cross a lot of things off my to-do-list (in order to not feel like a failure). But I was tired and scatterbrained and I couldn't get anything done.

As the day unfolded, I started noticing a few subtle signs here and there. A friend posted an article on facebook called “To Anyone Who Thinks They´re Falling Behind in Life”, and I was particularly moved by this quote:

"Sometimes the novel is not ready to be written because you haven’t met the inspiration for your main character yet. Sometimes you need two more years of life experience before you can make your masterpiece into something that will feel real and true and raw to other people. Sometimes you’re not falling in love because whatever you need to know about yourself is only knowable through solitude. Sometimes you haven’t met your next collaborator. Sometimes your sadness encircles you because, one day, it will be the opus upon which you build your life.”

Reading this made me relax a bit, and I started breathing more easily. A moment later I stumbled upon this poem by Red K Elders:

”Our purpose in life is simply to be.
To do whatever it is for each of us uniquely
that allows love to flow through us -
to move along with that current.

Not sitting alone, embittered by the trials,
concerned with this or that is wrong.
Not wringing our hands darkly,
wondering what we need to be doing,
worrying about what has gone or what will be.

What if all humankind could be
like the flock of birds
startled into flight?

The rush, the crack, the whiteness
of feathers floating away.
Rising as one
in the swell of love.
Joyously moving and feeling together
that glorious fluid motion.”

As I took in the words of the article + the words of the poem, I noticed that they had very similar messages. Let go! they said. And there it was, the theme of the day, the sign that I needed. Trust that everything is unfolding in its own pace and that you are in the right place. 

I could feel myself become softer and calmer while reading, the words showed me where I was stuck and gently guided me back towards my center. The clouds in my mind disappeared and I could walk more peacefully through my day.

I used to feel so separated from my surroundings, thinking that I was on my own and that I always had to figure everything out by myself. It was exhausting and lonely. But the more I pay attention, the more connected and supported I feel.

When I keep track of that which moves and inspires me, I see patterns, and these patterns are maps for me to follow.

I feel like I am a part of a conversation that never ends.

As I learn to listen, everything speaks back to me. 

Living the questions

The only thing I know is that everything is changing, always. Everything is shifting and moving and transforming and constantly becoming something new. My perception of the world – and my own self-image – is not what it used to be. Reality is different now. I am different. And yet, I am still me.

The frustration I used to feel; the claustrophobic feeling of not knowing what to do with my life, of feeling stuck without being able to move, has faded. It is almost strange to think about how strong that feeling once was. Somehow I have managed to push through it. I’m on the other side of the river now, resting on the riverbank. Pondering what my next step will be.  

I have by no means found absolute answers to who I am or what the purpose of all this strangeness is. But I have opened a few doors within myself. I am feeling so much bigger than before, so much wider and taller and rounder and wilder and deeper. I am reconnecting with my body. I am reuniting with my laughter and my sense of playfulness. I am allowing myself to write, to communicate, to connect – because that is what I love to do. The old armour is full of cracks, and my heart is pouring out.

I am a mother now. Carrying a child in my belly for almost nine months, giving birth to my daughter in the middle of a moonlit night and slowly learning what it means to be her “mamma”, has given me a new sense of power. The mother who is related to all mothers is moving in my bones. She is drawn towards the sacred; towards nature; towards rituals and rhythms and symbols. She is drawn towards singing and dancing and healing and cooking and planting seeds and working with her hands and telling stories that hold the world together. She is a weaver of words, a creator of life – and she is pushing me towards my dreams.

Yesterday, I read a quote from a woman who had recently started her own business as a healer. She described how she had always had a very rich and colorful inner life – but on the outside, her life didn’t quite reflect it. Until she decided to create her own company and share her gifts with the world - then her inside and her outside finally aligned. 

I was touched by this story, it felt like it was carrying a message for me. After dreaming and learning and growing for such a long time – it is time to focus on the outside. It is time to share my thoughts with others. I used to be so scared of what people would think of me, afraid of being labeled as naive, unprofessional, detached from reality, too dreamy, too much. But I am realizing that there is nothing to be afraid of. Some people will be put off by what I am writing, by who I am, but it’s okay. There will be others. Only by sharing what I’ve got will I be able to find my tribe - the people who resonate with me.

A few mountains have been climbed, a few answered has been found. But still, there are so many questions. How to juggle motherhood and the creative life? How to make money? How to build the home that I am longing for, the house with the small garden and the big wooden table, where our children will grow up? How to move closer to nature, and closer to a creative community?

How, exactly, am I supposed to build this bridge between the inside and the outside?

”Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue”, says Rilke. ”Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

I will do my best to follow this advice. I will walk patiently, with anticipation. I will follow the wild woman, curious to see where she is taking me.

And the only thing I know is that everything will keep changing, always. Everything will be shifting and moving and transforming and constantly becoming something new. I will change. And yet, I will still be me.